Captain Kirk

Captain Kirk

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Marjorie Kirk as the Ship's Computer.

M: There's somebody on this ship who shouldn't be on it!

JTK: An intruder?

M: Didn't I just say so?

JTK: Computer, describe the intruder.

M: Well, he's kinda funny looking.

JTK: Specify.

M: I don't know, just kinda funny looking.


M: Now don't you get snippy with me, young mister, or there'll be no pie for you after dinner.

JTK: I! Need! Details!

M: Well, you remember that boy from Sleepy Eye that your cousin Lester went to trade school with? The one who got kicked in the head when they went cow-tipping, which they shouldn't have been doing anyway? These aliens kinda remind me of him before he got kicked. They got the same up-to-no-good look in their eye.

Spock: Eyes.

M: No, Mr. Know it All, I said eye and I mean eye. They only got the one and right now, the big mean-looking fella's using it. Oh! Doncha know the others just got theirs out of their pockets! Jimmy, you better get down to the engineering section. They're making a terrible mess--

(Kirk leaves the bridge as the computer continues)

M: --and I can tell you one thing, I'm not cleaning that up! Nosirreebob. I do everything on this ship and I don't even get a card on Mother's Day.

Inspired by Wildcat's suggestion. She always has the best ideas!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Show #67 - May 21

Episode 67 on MP3

Boston Legal catch-up and more!

Boston Legal - 5 episodes in 90 minutes
Boston Legal fan promo - Why was the finale pre-empted?
Phyllis Diller, Bernadette Peters, Chuck McCann, Barack Obama, and the Stanley Cup
JTK conceived at Murphy's in Riverside, Iowa!
George Takei tells a funny story about Bill
Shatner weekend by proxy - shorts, chairs, and videos at Shatner Vision
Wil Wheaton says it's a good year to be a Trekker and reviews TNG Haven at TVSquad
Fan Club news - Bill's autobiography, Me So Horny Far
June 1 - Bill on the Henry Rollins Show
Bill writes a TOS outline: Web of Death
And a visit from Marjorie!

Denny Crane.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

5/13/07: In lieu of a podcast...

L T: ok, put your "show voice" on
JungleKitty: My "show typing" you mean
L T: yes!
L T: Hello, LAHB listeners!
JungleKitty: Is this our Podcast for the Deaf?
L T: yes!
L T: We're here to explain why there is no show this week
JungleKitty: Cough cough *wheeeeeze*
JungleKitty: That's why
L T: it's because JK has been so sick!
L T: she can't talk at all.
JungleKitty: Poor me
L T: and I can't carry a whole podcast by myself. that would be suicide.
L T: but we want you to know that we've got TONS of stuff for the next show!
L T: Bill has been busy as ever
L T: And there is much Trek in the news
JungleKitty: Boston Legal finished taping for the season a couple of weeks ago.
JungleKitty: Like last year, the Shatner Weekend people were there on the last day.
JungleKitty: AND THIS IS THE BIG NEWS! Denny Crane's boxer shorts with the target on them were auctioned.
JungleKitty: A friend of ours (Iddy) is now the proud owner.
L T: yes! we'll have a full report on that.
JungleKitty: Maybe later you can have a boxer shorts moment, like your pants moment.
L T: hmm, I'll have to think about that. I haven't *held* the boxer shorts.
JungleKitty: But you've dreamed of it, right?
L T: I've definitely let the thought enter my head.
JungleKitty: When I think of Bill's underwear, it's not boxers.
L T: I'm sure he was wearing boxer-brief type things under the target ones
JungleKitty: Yeah, we saw the waistband, remember?
L T: right! I thought so.
JungleKitty: Let's see...what else is new in Bill's wardrobe?
L T: I haven't been watching Shatner vision. There is too much going on over there. New videos every 5 minutes.
JungleKitty: There's one of him signing autographs at Shatner Weekend but it's actually kinda boring. I think it's one of those "you had to be there" moments.
L T: but Bill's been doing interviews all over the place!
JungleKitty: And this week he's on Good Morning America, Late Night with Conan O'Brien and The View. New Yorkers should be on the lookout!
L T: ...because as we know, Bill is *everywhere*.
JungleKitty: Well duh.
JungleKitty: Hey I have news but have to change the names of the people involved.
L T: ooh! intrigue!
JungleKitty: A fanfic friend of mine who has turned pro had a run-in with the original Alpha Monkey!
L T: the one for whom ALL Alpha Monkeys are named!
JungleKitty: Yep. His attitude was "I read your story and liked it so you're OBLIGED to read AND ENJOY mine."
L T: All hail the MONKEY!
JungleKitty: I wish I'd saved his emails. I egged him on because he was so entertainingly stupid.
L T: if our listeners use the Intarwebs, they have no doubt encountered this species on their own.
L T: Listeners, if you have accounts of baiting Alpha Monkeys, please send them in!
JungleKitty: And remember - nothing makes an Alpha Monkey madder than being ignored.
L T: I love it when they shake the bars and screech.
JungleKitty: Who doesn't?
JungleKitty: Isn't that why everyone visits the Alpha Monkey House at the online zoo?
L T: Completely.
JungleKitty: In other news: Remember Riverside, Iowa? Location of Invasion Iowa?
JungleKitty: Of course you do. As you know, it is the future-birthplace of James T. Kirk. But they have shown true initiative and astounding research skills.
JungleKitty: "a local bar boasts a plaque claiming that
Kirk will be conceived on the premises."
JungleKitty: I think we need to ask Marjorie about this sometime.
L T: wow!
JungleKitty: I wish we knew the name of the bar.
L T: I didn't think his mother was that kind of gal.
L T: I'm sure we can find out.
JungleKitty: Do they serve Trek-themed drinks like a Transporter Accident?
L T: hahaha!
JungleKitty: Does this call his paternity into question?
L T: ooh, good point!
L T: We should look at the website for Riverside. This information is probably on the front page.
JungleKitty: Now I'm dying to go there.
JungleKitty: What bar do you think David Marcus was conceived in?
L T: I think he was conceived in the back seat of Mitchell's car
JungleKitty: LOL!
JungleKitty: Amid all the empty beer cans.
L T: and peeps boxes.
JungleKitty: Hee!
L T: well, we may have to employ a Foreign Correspondent to go to the bar and take pictures.
JungleKitty: I'd be happy to pay for FC's drinks.
L T: Listeners, any volunteers?
JungleKitty: Get drunk for the cause!
L T: yes!
JungleKitty: And speaking of causes - this is National Masturbation Month.
L T: oh yes! all the sex toy places are having sales.
L T: a good month to try new toys!
JungleKitty: And report back to us.
L T: yes. we want to know what's good.
JungleKitty: And who's been bad.
JungleKitty: Here's a quote from Bryan Singer: One night I went over the Patrick Stewart’s house to have dinner with him. He had a surprise for me and I thought it was pictures from the day I did my cameo [on TNG]. And the doorbell rings and William Shatner and his wife came in and it was awesome. I ended up playing Next Generation pinball with William Shatner in Patrick’s game room and I can’t even describe it.
JungleKitty: I'm sure Bill kicked his ass.
L T: I wonder if Bill and Patrick had a fight after dinner.
JungleKitty: I'm sure Bill kicked his ass.
JungleKitty: I'm surprised Patrick has a TNG pinball game.
L T: it's just to keep the fans occupied when they come to his house.
JungleKitty: Did he get offended when Bill yelled, "I'm gonna spin this off the bald guy's head!"
L T: ha!
L T: I bet Bill got the highest score EVER on that machine.
JungleKitty: The machine retired right after.
L T: yep. no point in playing any more games.
JungleKitty: I bet when Bill does a woman, all her sex toys retire.
L T: yes!
L T: Well, listeners, next time we'll have a fun, weirdish surprise for you - a plot treatment for a TOS ep written by Bill!
JungleKitty: And it's spooooooky!
L T: We will read it dramatically, as it's VERY DRAMATIC
JungleKitty: Are you sure you don't want Marjorie to read it?
L T: oh, let's read it twice - I'll do it once, and then Marjorie can do it.
JungleKitty: Okey dokey.
L T: Excellent!
JungleKitty: Well, shall we wrap this up?
JungleKitty: Is it time for the drum solo?
L T: I think so.
L T: Next week we'll be back better than ever - popcorn, Vernor's, the whole 9 yards!
JungleKitty: Yum!
L T: So keep sending us email and remember - LOOK AT HIS BUTT!!!
JungleKitty: Everybody hum the theme song!

Old But Fun Bill Interview

Stupid Questions...with William Shatner (, 2004)

He is. A pop icon. That. Defies definition. The captain of Star Trek,
top cop from T.J. Hooker, and Renaissance man continues his quest for
career reinvention, releasing the spoken-word-set-to-music album Has
and starring as an eccentric attorney on Boston Legal. Seeking a
greater understanding of the Shat — and to celebrate the release of a
deluxe DVD set of Star Trek's first season — we beamed him down to a
planet we like to call Stupid Questions.

Before we get started, I should ask: Are you gellin'?
No, I'm yelling. It's my jaundice.

I'd like to explore new frontiers. Any tips?
Yes, the airline is really good and it's out of Denver.

Pretend I'm a Trekkie and I spot you on the street. What's the proper etiquette?
You run one way. I run the other.

What do you normally set your phaser to?
Mostly to the tractor beam. Pulling objects toward me is better than repelling. I'd rather pull you toward me.

I've watched the first season of Star Trek repeatedly and have wrung every ounce of entertainment value out of it. What do I do with it now?
Pass it on to a needy person. A person who seems downcast and...uncultured.

Let's combine your litigating expertise on Boston Legal with your captaining prowess on Star Trek. Argue this, in a halted speech pattern: How can you dodge phaser fire if these beams travel at the speed of light?
You are required. To move faster. Than the speed of light. Einstein's theory. Has been proven. To be nonsense.

You won an Emmy for your guest-starring role on The Practice. When you look at your reflection in the statue, what do you see?
The Emmy is round. And it casts a round reflection. So I look round. And I know it lies.

What's a false rumor about you that you wished desperately were true?
Let's see...who wanted to have a fight with me in a movie?

Edward Norton in Fight Club?
The rumor is that Ed Norton could win a fight with me. I wish desperately it were true.

Which of your shows had the best female groupies: Star Trek, T.J. Hooker, or Rescue 911?
There was quantity in Star Trek and quality in T.J. Hooker. The good ones were all bruised on Rescue 911.

A few years ago, I asked you what the T.J. in T.J. Hooker stood for and you said, ''Toujours.'' I think you can do better than that.
T.J. would be...afternoon tea just for you... Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree...tree...

Have I just stumped the Shat?
No. The Shat is never stumped. The Shat merely needs a little more time to do the dance... What is T.J.? To joust with fools.

A song from Has Been, ''Ideal Woman,'' features the lyrics, ''I love what you eat/You want yogurt?/You got yogurt!'' Is this the feel-good dairy-themed hit of the new millennium?
It's an ode to my wife. And she loves yogurt. So it very well could be.

You once said, ''As a star, I was one step down from Paul Newman — a good actor but not popular enough to bring in big audiences.'' Do you think you could at least out-salad-dressing him?
I couldn't out-salad-dressing him, but I probably could make a better salad.

Is that a challenge?
It is indeed. I want to see how snappy his carrots are.

Posted Nov 26, 2004 | Published in issue #794 Nov 26, 2004

Thursday, May 03, 2007

We Love You, Davy!

We see that the other reason they hired Walter was his ability to mangle accents! And isn't domestic abuse fun!

Thanks, Jonk.